That is why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.

“OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…

Tough Love

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!"

Name that animal

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

Strangers on a Train

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York.
His cabin also has a poor farmer in it.
To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar.
Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first."

The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?"

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question.
Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."

Wise Old Man

Wise Old Man


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began.
The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed.
"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Two ducks...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel.
As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms.
I'll ring down to room service.''
He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!

The Start of a blog

Hello,

This is the first post on this blog.

This will, or I want it to be a very funny blog...

Lets see what happens...

Enjoy,
The Hero